Everyone enters marriage with their own "baggage"

“It does not take us long to realize that we do not enter marriage empty handed; we carry a lot of “baggage” with us. For instance, we bring our levels of self-esteem, our willingness to adapt to change, our attitudes toward life, and our expectations and values.” - Bernard Poduska

     Couples come together with two different sets of rules that they most likely learned from watching their parents as they grow up. The woman learns from her mother how she should act and what to do when she becomes a wife and a mother and the man learns the same sort of things from his father. The problem with this is although the woman learns from her mother, she also sees how her mother is treated by her father and expects the same or better from her own husband. This is the same for men and how they have seen their mothers throughout the years, they expect the same or better from their wife. Since they didn’t grow up in the same household with the same mother and father they will have completely different expectations of what marriage will be like and how their spouse should act. This can be a huge cause of conflict in the marriage or an opportunity to grow and unite as one. Once a couple is married, they are no longer subject to their parents and need to create their own marriage identity. President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Genesis 2:24 said, “She, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so dear to all of us. Even the children must take there proper but significant place. I have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in the affection and crowd out the father. That is a serious mistake.”

     Each of us has a schedule made up in our minds of where we think we should be in certain stages of life. Another conflict in marriage is caused by these unspoken schedules or subconscious timetables. The man may want to have children young like his parents did so he can be a young father and be active with his children while they grow up. The woman may want to wait longer to have children because she wants to travel and have fun before children tie her down. These schedules clash and can be a significant obstacle in the marriage. They need to communicate and explain their reasoning behind their wants and eventually come to a conclusion. Being greedy or selfish in marriage does not work, there has to be sacrifice and compromise. Once children become part of the picture, the cycle begins again. Each partner thinks back to their own childhood and how they each were raised and more often than not thinks that their way was the right way. Again, more compromise and communication is necessary. Keeping open communication behind WHY you think differently on certain things will help you understand each other and come to a conclusion.

“Many erroneously assume that the state of being happy is static rather than dynamic, or changing. However, life is change, and happiness is not fully appreciated in the absence of sorrow and hardship. Two people who go through life’s ups and downs together grow in ways neither may foresee.” – Bernard Poduska

Poduska, Bernard. Till Debt Do Us Part: Balancing Finances, Feelings, and Family. Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain, 2000. Print.

Kimball, Spencer W. The Blessings and Responsibilities of Womanhood - Ensign Mar. 1976 - Ensign. Lds.org, Mar. 1976. Web. 18 July 2015.