While reading the book Drawing
Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. He talks about the
importance of having a heart full of charity and how it can make or break a marriage.
He says, “In an effort to understand charity, it is important to know what it
is NOT. It is not artificial good cheer. It is not a thin veneer of politeness
on a distressed soul. It is not holding our tongues while judging and resenting
others. Rather it is a sacred and heavenly gift.” Moroni 7:47 reads, “But
charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found
possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”
So, what does Charity look like..?
It looks like a man who comes home from a 12-hour shift at
work completely exhausted to a house that is a mess and dinner not yet made or
put on the table. Instead of being upset with his wife or complaining about his
day he simply asks, “what can I do to help?” That is charity. When we find
ourselves in a situation that we could easily get upset and instead choose to
be kind, we are exercising charity in our heart. That is just one simple, day-to-day
example of how charity could be used to strengthen a marriage.
We all know that being married is
not easy and after the two-year “honeymoon phase” wears off we start to see
irritants in our partner as faults that need to be fixed. Instead of focusing
on ourselves, and ways we need to improve, we turn to our partner and try to
improve them. Why? It is easier to find the fault in other people and ignore
our own shortcomings than it is to face our own faults and work on changing
them. When we pick apart our partner and focus on the qualities in them we do
not particularly like, we are drawing a wedge in our relationship. Criticism
does not lead to change or growth, it leads to defensiveness, anger, and
distance. Instead, we need to allow the pure love of Christ to encompass our
soul and help us turn to Him in all things. When we have an eye focused on
Christ we are less likely to get annoyed, upset, or complain about things our
spouse or other people do around us. Elder Caldwell once said, “Charity
sustains us in every need and influences us in every decision.”
When irritants arise, we have a
choice, “will the irritants be the basis for blaming or for compassion? When we
react with blame, it usually worsens the condition we hate. We see more faults
and feel more irritated. In our own ways, we all contribute to our own
happiness. There is an alternative. At every critical juncture, we can choose
compassion. We can choose understanding, patience, and personal growth… We can
use our differences to balance each other and to spur growth” (Goddard). Many
people believe once they are married all their relationship problems are
solved, in many cases they are just beginning. Goddard said, “ Marriage is God’s finishing school for the
godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us.” As a blacksmith
refines metal with fire, the process is not meant to be easy.
“The single most promising
marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in
loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” (Goddard). We need to love and
appreciate our partners just the way they are, without conditions to change
certain characteristics. “Terry Warner poses a question that invites us to
think in an entirely different way than we usually do. He suggests that the key
to happy relationships is not finding gentle-sounding ways to request change.
Instead, “what would happen if we dropped all charges against those around us
and, for their sakes, happily sacrificed all bitter satisfaction, all
retribution, all demand for repayment, all vengeance without regret or second
thoughts?” (Goddard). What a world it would be if everyone did this! There
would be world peace, and 100% success rate for marriage. We must all strive to
have Charity, the pure love of Christ in our hearts. When we do, we will be
able to strengthen or repair our marriages and be happy in our own skin.
Works cited
Goddard, H, Wallace, Drawing
Heaven into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Results, Fairfax,
VA: Meridian Pub., 2007, Print.