MARRIAGE: Learning to like each other again....

FONDNESS & ADMIRATION

Throughout time it’s common for couples to forget the initial fondness and admiration they had for each other when they first met. They look back at their lives that have grown tiresome and monotonous and wonder where the good times went. They don’t remember the “spark” of their first kiss or how they got butterflies when the phone rang after their first date. It’s sad. And is a major cause for divorce. Couples simply forget why they even like each other. “Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their [relationship] intact and preventing betrayal. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible” (Gottman). 
           

LEARNING TO RECONNECT

Learning to bring fondness and admiration back into a stoic and stale relationship takes work. Doctor Gottman tells us the keys to rekindling fondness in a marriage….

STEP ONE:

Learning to like each other again. How do we do this? We learn to scan for positive traits or attributes in our spouse. When you see your spouse do or say something you appreciate, tell them. Make it a point to let them know you appreciate the nice, tender, sweet-hearted things they do. When you acknowledge the good in your spouse and talk about it you strengthen you bond. The more you notice the good things about your spouse the less you notice the bad things. Slowly the good will overcome the bad and help remind you why you fell in love in the first place.

STEP TWO:

Remember the good times. Look through old pictures to gather and talk about all the different adventures you had together. Talk about how you first met and what you both were thinking. How you decided to get married. Share memories each of you have about the wedding and honeymoon. Just enjoy going down memory lane with each other. This will help remind you of the good times you had together and realize you could have good times again.

STEP THREE:

Your philosophy of marriage. Speak with your partner about marriage and what you think happy marriages look like. Think of a couple you each know and talk about characteristics of their marriage you’ve observed. Talk about each of your parent’s marriages and relate how they are similar or different from your own. What you think works in their marriage, what you think doesn’t. Understanding each other’s ideas and takes on marriage is important.

STEP FOUR:

Learning to cherish your partner. Learn to think only positive things about your partner even when you are apart. “This act of focusing on your partner’s merits allows you to nurture gratefulness for what you have instead of what is missing” (Gottman). This positive style of thinking will help you learn to be positive about your spouse and life in general.

WORKS CITED

Gottman John Mordechai., And Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print.