"LET'S AGREE TO DISAGREE…"

Marriage is a union between two VERY different human beings. No matter how “alike” you and your spouse are, you will always have differences. These differences lead to disagreements that lead to fights. There are two types of fights in a marriage, ones that can be resolved, and ones that cannot. The first type is easy, you figure things out, compromise, and get past it. The second type is much more difficult. It is a disagreement that will be there through all, or most of your married life. A conflict that cannot, and probably will not ever be resolved. Psychologist Dan Wile said, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” This statement is exactly true. Newlyweds who fight about things in the early stage of marriage will likely be fighting about the same sort of things in their later years together.

“Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” – Dr. John M. Gottman

However, when couples have this sort of disagreement it can become very unhealthy for the marriage if handled the wrong way. So how do you live with an unsolvable problem? Dr. Gottman says those who recognize the problem and learn to live with it have a more successful and enjoyable marriage. It is crucial for couples to continue acknowledging the problem and learn to live with it and talk about it with good humor. It is unhealthy to try to ignore a problem or avoid ever bringing it up. Doctor Gottman says, “Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement. The couple’s trust in each other and the relationship declines as they become increasingly trapped in the negativity… As the gridlock worsens, they each come to feel that the other is just plain selfish and cares only about him- or herself. They may still live together but are on the course toward leading parallel lives and inevitable loneliness – the death knell for any marriage.”

“Husband and Wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other…” - The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Elder Lynn G. Robbins once said, “A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.” We must combat this feeling of anger and animosity toward our spouses in time of disagreement and try to understand their true feelings. We cannot love and care for each other when there are negative emotions and cruel judgments. Since perpetual problems ultimately lead to emotional disengagement, we must learn to combat them at first sight of recognition. The key to doing so according to Dr. Gottman is to “Uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life. I have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other words, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place.” We must figure out the root of why each of us are feeling a certain way about whatever the problem is and then work from there. When you open up to your spouse about your hopes and dreams that are fueling the fire of your disagreement, you open the doors for trust and understanding which are two essential parts to a happy marriage.