What is Charity? And how does it make or break a marriage

             While reading the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. He talks about the importance of having a heart full of charity and how it can make or break a marriage. He says, “In an effort to understand charity, it is important to know what it is NOT. It is not artificial good cheer. It is not a thin veneer of politeness on a distressed soul. It is not holding our tongues while judging and resenting others. Rather it is a sacred and heavenly gift.” Moroni 7:47 reads, “But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”

So, what does Charity look like..?

It looks like a man who comes home from a 12-hour shift at work completely exhausted to a house that is a mess and dinner not yet made or put on the table. Instead of being upset with his wife or complaining about his day he simply asks, “what can I do to help?” That is charity. When we find ourselves in a situation that we could easily get upset and instead choose to be kind, we are exercising charity in our heart. That is just one simple, day-to-day example of how charity could be used to strengthen a marriage.

We all know that being married is not easy and after the two-year “honeymoon phase” wears off we start to see irritants in our partner as faults that need to be fixed. Instead of focusing on ourselves, and ways we need to improve, we turn to our partner and try to improve them. Why? It is easier to find the fault in other people and ignore our own shortcomings than it is to face our own faults and work on changing them. When we pick apart our partner and focus on the qualities in them we do not particularly like, we are drawing a wedge in our relationship. Criticism does not lead to change or growth, it leads to defensiveness, anger, and distance. Instead, we need to allow the pure love of Christ to encompass our soul and help us turn to Him in all things. When we have an eye focused on Christ we are less likely to get annoyed, upset, or complain about things our spouse or other people do around us. Elder Caldwell once said, “Charity sustains us in every need and influences us in every decision.”

When irritants arise, we have a choice, “will the irritants be the basis for blaming or for compassion? When we react with blame, it usually worsens the condition we hate. We see more faults and feel more irritated. In our own ways, we all contribute to our own happiness. There is an alternative. At every critical juncture, we can choose compassion. We can choose understanding, patience, and personal growth… We can use our differences to balance each other and to spur growth” (Goddard). Many people believe once they are married all their relationship problems are solved, in many cases they are just beginning. Goddard said,  “ Marriage is God’s finishing school for the godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us.” As a blacksmith refines metal with fire, the process is not meant to be easy.

“The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” (Goddard). We need to love and appreciate our partners just the way they are, without conditions to change certain characteristics. “Terry Warner poses a question that invites us to think in an entirely different way than we usually do. He suggests that the key to happy relationships is not finding gentle-sounding ways to request change. Instead, “what would happen if we dropped all charges against those around us and, for their sakes, happily sacrificed all bitter satisfaction, all retribution, all demand for repayment, all vengeance without regret or second thoughts?” (Goddard). What a world it would be if everyone did this! There would be world peace, and 100% success rate for marriage. We must all strive to have Charity, the pure love of Christ in our hearts. When we do, we will be able to strengthen or repair our marriages and be happy in our own skin.

Works cited

Goddard, H, Wallace, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Results, Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub., 2007, Print.