What is Charity? And how does it make or break a marriage

             While reading the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. He talks about the importance of having a heart full of charity and how it can make or break a marriage. He says, “In an effort to understand charity, it is important to know what it is NOT. It is not artificial good cheer. It is not a thin veneer of politeness on a distressed soul. It is not holding our tongues while judging and resenting others. Rather it is a sacred and heavenly gift.” Moroni 7:47 reads, “But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”

So, what does Charity look like..?

It looks like a man who comes home from a 12-hour shift at work completely exhausted to a house that is a mess and dinner not yet made or put on the table. Instead of being upset with his wife or complaining about his day he simply asks, “what can I do to help?” That is charity. When we find ourselves in a situation that we could easily get upset and instead choose to be kind, we are exercising charity in our heart. That is just one simple, day-to-day example of how charity could be used to strengthen a marriage.

We all know that being married is not easy and after the two-year “honeymoon phase” wears off we start to see irritants in our partner as faults that need to be fixed. Instead of focusing on ourselves, and ways we need to improve, we turn to our partner and try to improve them. Why? It is easier to find the fault in other people and ignore our own shortcomings than it is to face our own faults and work on changing them. When we pick apart our partner and focus on the qualities in them we do not particularly like, we are drawing a wedge in our relationship. Criticism does not lead to change or growth, it leads to defensiveness, anger, and distance. Instead, we need to allow the pure love of Christ to encompass our soul and help us turn to Him in all things. When we have an eye focused on Christ we are less likely to get annoyed, upset, or complain about things our spouse or other people do around us. Elder Caldwell once said, “Charity sustains us in every need and influences us in every decision.”

When irritants arise, we have a choice, “will the irritants be the basis for blaming or for compassion? When we react with blame, it usually worsens the condition we hate. We see more faults and feel more irritated. In our own ways, we all contribute to our own happiness. There is an alternative. At every critical juncture, we can choose compassion. We can choose understanding, patience, and personal growth… We can use our differences to balance each other and to spur growth” (Goddard). Many people believe once they are married all their relationship problems are solved, in many cases they are just beginning. Goddard said,  “ Marriage is God’s finishing school for the godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us.” As a blacksmith refines metal with fire, the process is not meant to be easy.

“The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” (Goddard). We need to love and appreciate our partners just the way they are, without conditions to change certain characteristics. “Terry Warner poses a question that invites us to think in an entirely different way than we usually do. He suggests that the key to happy relationships is not finding gentle-sounding ways to request change. Instead, “what would happen if we dropped all charges against those around us and, for their sakes, happily sacrificed all bitter satisfaction, all retribution, all demand for repayment, all vengeance without regret or second thoughts?” (Goddard). What a world it would be if everyone did this! There would be world peace, and 100% success rate for marriage. We must all strive to have Charity, the pure love of Christ in our hearts. When we do, we will be able to strengthen or repair our marriages and be happy in our own skin.

Works cited

Goddard, H, Wallace, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Results, Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub., 2007, Print. 

"LET'S AGREE TO DISAGREE…"

Marriage is a union between two VERY different human beings. No matter how “alike” you and your spouse are, you will always have differences. These differences lead to disagreements that lead to fights. There are two types of fights in a marriage, ones that can be resolved, and ones that cannot. The first type is easy, you figure things out, compromise, and get past it. The second type is much more difficult. It is a disagreement that will be there through all, or most of your married life. A conflict that cannot, and probably will not ever be resolved. Psychologist Dan Wile said, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” This statement is exactly true. Newlyweds who fight about things in the early stage of marriage will likely be fighting about the same sort of things in their later years together.

“Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” – Dr. John M. Gottman

However, when couples have this sort of disagreement it can become very unhealthy for the marriage if handled the wrong way. So how do you live with an unsolvable problem? Dr. Gottman says those who recognize the problem and learn to live with it have a more successful and enjoyable marriage. It is crucial for couples to continue acknowledging the problem and learn to live with it and talk about it with good humor. It is unhealthy to try to ignore a problem or avoid ever bringing it up. Doctor Gottman says, “Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement. The couple’s trust in each other and the relationship declines as they become increasingly trapped in the negativity… As the gridlock worsens, they each come to feel that the other is just plain selfish and cares only about him- or herself. They may still live together but are on the course toward leading parallel lives and inevitable loneliness – the death knell for any marriage.”

“Husband and Wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other…” - The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Elder Lynn G. Robbins once said, “A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.” We must combat this feeling of anger and animosity toward our spouses in time of disagreement and try to understand their true feelings. We cannot love and care for each other when there are negative emotions and cruel judgments. Since perpetual problems ultimately lead to emotional disengagement, we must learn to combat them at first sight of recognition. The key to doing so according to Dr. Gottman is to “Uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life. I have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other words, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place.” We must figure out the root of why each of us are feeling a certain way about whatever the problem is and then work from there. When you open up to your spouse about your hopes and dreams that are fueling the fire of your disagreement, you open the doors for trust and understanding which are two essential parts to a happy marriage.

Looking out for only yourself, will ultimately destroy you...

Roy Baumeister, a contemporary social psychologist observes, “Morality has become allied with self-interest… The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself… Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not serve one’s individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified – perhaps even obligated – to end the relationship… According to todays values, a king of selfishness is essential to love.”

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SAD!!!

How is it even possible? How has Satan corrupted society so much as to strip us of our character and taught us to focus only on self-gratifying relationships? It is extremely sad. Doctor Goddard says…

“The modern dilemma is ironic. We are devoted to finding happiness – and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness.”

“Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance” (President Benson).  In Mosiah 3 verse 10 in reads, “For behold, and also his blood atoneth for the sins of those who have fallen by the transgression of Adam, who have died not knowing the will of God concerning them, or who have ignorantly sinned.” Yes, pride is evil, but because of the blood of Christ, we can repent and be complete again. However, to do so we must first recognize our ignorant faults.

What does pride entail?

Most of us think of Pride as “self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness…. The central feature of pride is enmity” (Benson). Which described by the Webster dictionary Enmity means “positive, active, and typically mutual hatred or ill will [toward someone or something].”? In what ways do we show enmity toward God? Benson states, “our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s.” Doctor Goddard relates, “The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each of us sees our own versions of “truth” and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do. This way of thinking is a pernicious enemy. It keeps us from connecting with others and from learning from God. Satan laughs.” How do we expect to have a happy marriage when we have pride in our hearts?

So, what’s next?

We can recognize when we are taking these sinful attributes upon ourselves in our own lives. It’s too easy to become rebellious, or offended, and that is why it’s wrong. The easy road is not the road to happiness and eternal life. We must work hard and diligently follow Christ if we want to better ourselves and turn our hearts toward God.          The symptoms of allowing such behavior to continue are damaging and detrimental to our souls. “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod” (Benson). In marriage, we are prideful when we perceive our own actions as just and that our partner is the one who needs to change. Again, we believe we see things clearly and everyone else needs glasses.

“Pride will take your friendships, your marriage, and any other relationship you value, and tear them up into shreds. In its wake, pride will leave behind hurt, bitterness, destruction, and pain” – Heather Marshal

How do we change?

It’s easy to get comfortable in our ways but when we have a true, heartfelt desire to change the process begins. President Benson counsels us that “the antidote for pride is humility, meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit.” We must conquer the natural man within each of us and overpower our own pride. Turing our life over to God and repenting for our sinful ways is crucial. “Faith unto repentance means that we trust Jesus enough to turn our lives over to Him. We give up governance of our lives and turn that over to God. We may pray…” (Goddard)

“Fill us with thyself, that we may no longer be a burden to ourselves. So glorify the face of goodness that evil shall have no more dominion over us. Amen.” – Harry Emerson Fosdick

http://thestrivingwife.com/the-effect-of-pride-on-marriage/

https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/3?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub, 2007. Print. 

MARRIAGE: Learning to like each other again....

FONDNESS & ADMIRATION

Throughout time it’s common for couples to forget the initial fondness and admiration they had for each other when they first met. They look back at their lives that have grown tiresome and monotonous and wonder where the good times went. They don’t remember the “spark” of their first kiss or how they got butterflies when the phone rang after their first date. It’s sad. And is a major cause for divorce. Couples simply forget why they even like each other. “Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their [relationship] intact and preventing betrayal. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible” (Gottman). 
           

LEARNING TO RECONNECT

Learning to bring fondness and admiration back into a stoic and stale relationship takes work. Doctor Gottman tells us the keys to rekindling fondness in a marriage….

STEP ONE:

Learning to like each other again. How do we do this? We learn to scan for positive traits or attributes in our spouse. When you see your spouse do or say something you appreciate, tell them. Make it a point to let them know you appreciate the nice, tender, sweet-hearted things they do. When you acknowledge the good in your spouse and talk about it you strengthen you bond. The more you notice the good things about your spouse the less you notice the bad things. Slowly the good will overcome the bad and help remind you why you fell in love in the first place.

STEP TWO:

Remember the good times. Look through old pictures to gather and talk about all the different adventures you had together. Talk about how you first met and what you both were thinking. How you decided to get married. Share memories each of you have about the wedding and honeymoon. Just enjoy going down memory lane with each other. This will help remind you of the good times you had together and realize you could have good times again.

STEP THREE:

Your philosophy of marriage. Speak with your partner about marriage and what you think happy marriages look like. Think of a couple you each know and talk about characteristics of their marriage you’ve observed. Talk about each of your parent’s marriages and relate how they are similar or different from your own. What you think works in their marriage, what you think doesn’t. Understanding each other’s ideas and takes on marriage is important.

STEP FOUR:

Learning to cherish your partner. Learn to think only positive things about your partner even when you are apart. “This act of focusing on your partner’s merits allows you to nurture gratefulness for what you have instead of what is missing” (Gottman). This positive style of thinking will help you learn to be positive about your spouse and life in general.

WORKS CITED

Gottman John Mordechai., And Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 1999. Print.

“We cannot steal the fire of love from Heaven. We must buy it with soul-stretching payments” – Goddard

I came across the quote above while reading “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” by Wallace Goddard and it really stuck out to me. It made me stop and think….

·      What is the fire of love?

·      How do we buy it?

·      What qualifies as a soul-stretching payment?

I think the “fire of love from Heaven” represents our eternal salvation. It is pure like anything that has passed through the extreme scorch of fire. No impurities can withstand the test of fire just like no impure thing can live in the presenc

e of God. We must be born of fire and cleansed of our faults and impurities before ascending into Heaven.

Love represents the unconditional love of Christ and our Father in Heaven. They love each of us so perfectly and want us to succeed. So we must be pure in heart and have the pure love of Christ within us to obtain glory in Heaven. Having a pure heart means putting all your selfish desires and wants aside and submitting wholly to the will of the Lord.

The part of the quote that reads “soul-stretching payments” can mean a variety of different things. Personally I translate to mean the trials we pass through in this earthly existence. Our life here on earth is not meant to be easy, it is a test and tests are designed to be difficult. Heavenly Father wants to see if we will follow Christ or fall on our knees and submit to the temptations of the devil. Our payments are each and every act that proves our obedience to God. When we choose to follow Him we are investing in our eternal salvation.

What sorts of  “soul-stretching payments” do we have to pay regarding marriage?

When we're dating things are lighthearted and easy. Things flow and there is a low amount of tension with a high amount of enjoyment. However, once the dating stage is over and the eternal knot is tied, things get a lot more real. Real fast. We realize there is much more required of us in marriage than there was in the dating. Many people think marriage is just an extension of dating and will continue to be fun and easy. These false ideas can ruin any marriage relationship if not dealt with. The leading cause of divorce is false expectations. It’s hard to go from a life of living on your own to living with a partner. Things change, you have different ways of doing things and compromise isn’t an easy tool to learn. Goddard said, “God knows that what we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly. In His own words, “All those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified” (D&C 101:5). To become heavenly, we must endure earthy challenges – including the unexpected ones in marriage.”

“The willingness to put our preferences on the altar in obedience to God and service of our partner is a sacrifice filled with grace and truth – goodness and eternal vision. Our sacrifices are the key to our growth and eternal possibilities.” – Goddard

Putting our wants on the altar before God and our spouse isn't as easy as it sounds. It requires self-discipline and want to be better. One must have a deep-rooted desire to make things work, especially in times of trial. It’s hard not to fight back when you feel attacked or defensive. It takes time and a lot of work to develop Christlike attributes. We need to focus on doing all we can to stay close to our Savior and learn from His example.

How parenting affects your child's emotional intelligence

I recently started reading a book that I am quickly growing to love. It’s titled “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child-The Heart of Parenting” by John Gottman, Ph. D. It talks about the different ways parents deal with their child’s emotions. Depending on how you interact with you child when they are in a heightened emotion state can greatly influence their future. They came up with four main categories of parenting. Below I will address these different categories.

The Dismissing Parent

It’s very easy to be a dismissive parent without even knowing it. These parents don’t ignore their children or physically dismiss them. Rather they dismiss their child’s feelings by distracting them or trying to change their mood. These parents tend to pamper their children when they’re upset or try to make them happy again by giving them candy or letting them watch T.V. Sometimes it’s hard for the parent to face their children’s emotions so they tend to detour them and avoid the hard situation all together. This can stem from their own parents being dismissive and never learning to deal with their emotions themselves so now they can’t help their children. The parents are doing what they think is right because that is what was done for them when they were little and upset. Children then learn to suppress their emotions instead of learning to address them and deal with them. Parents rationalize and tell themselves it’s ok to ignore rather than address their children’s emotions because they are “just children.” And being upset over a broken toy is pointless and petty. The parents tell them it’s “no big deal” or “you shouldn’t be upset over something so little.” But this only confuses the children because to them it is a big deal and they are upset about it. They learn they can’t trust their emotions (Gottman).

The Disapproving Parent

Disapproving parents are much like dismissive parents but they go a step further. Instead of detouring their child to something positive they reprimand their child for have a “bad attitude” or being a “cry baby.” Parents here often focus on the action around the emotion such a stomping their feet when they’re sad or crying when they’re afraid. They often punish these behaviors and reprimand the child for “acting out.” Some of these parents see emotions such as sadness a waste of energy so they tell their child to just “smile and be happy.” Well if a child is upset about something it isn’t that easy and can be confusing that they are expected to flip their emotions on and off like a light switch. “Our research tells us that children from both groups have a hard time trusting their own judgment. Told time and time again that their feelings are inappropriate or not valid, they grow up believing there is something inherently wrong inside of themselves because of the way they feel” (Gottman).

The Laissez-Faire Parent

So I’m not completely sure why Gottman uses this name to describe this particular style of parenting… But it’s basically when a parent lets their child express any emotion anyway they want to. The parents don’t set boundaries for when the child gets angry and throws things or super happy and becomes a wrecking ball. The parents see emotions and actions as one and try not to interfere too much with each. They allow the child to express the emotion and they validate their feelings but it pretty much stops there. These parents don’t have any idea how to help their child learn and grow from an emotional experience.

The Emotion Coaching parent

So the emotion-coaching parent is what everyone should strive to be. They’ve done studies on hundreds of families that conclude that children who are emotionally coached by their parents are more successful throughout their lives. They tend to have better grades, get into less trouble, have better relationships, and a greater self-esteem. These parents set boundries on the way their children express different emotions but still allow them to deal with them. They teach them different ways to express emotions such as fear, anger, frustration, sadness, etc without acting out in negative ways. They show empathy for their children and validate their emotions often sharing stories about their childhood and a time they might have felt that same way. They help the child describe the feeling and name the emotion so they can deal with it better. Sometimes children don’t know what they’re feeling and that can make them frustrated. Putting discipline along with respect works well with emotion coaching (Gottman).

Anyway this is what I learned from the book so far! It’s an awesome book and I’m only on chapter two! I have so much more to learn and can’t wait! Also, I think it is SO IMPORTANT for parents to validate the feelings of their young ones no matter how “petty” they may seem. They are real to the child so they should be real to you. Parents need to look at heightened emotion in their young ones as a learning opportunity rather than an obstacle. I believe the more parents and children talk about how they feel and what’s going on in their lives the closer they become. Family is central to the plan of happiness so we need to do ALL we can to make sure our families are strong. Trust between parent and child is a key concept to a happy home.